Recycled mistakes

I’m back in SF for law school. I was anxious over the weekend to be back in school after a year off. I took an ativan with a mixed drink in my apartment and I woke up angry in a holding cell. 

WHAT THE FUCK.

Whenever I am a step ahead in right direction I get loose with sobriety and up getting in more trouble than ever. It been a good 5 days since now and I am in better shape but the incident has left me with scratches and bruises all over. I pray there will be no charges and that it was just a drunk in public. I am scared that this stupid incident  that I cant remember with draw out to be something realllllllly bad. 

 

Actually just talking about it is making me anxious but I know this is something I am going to have to face and tell someone who can help I just dont know where to look. 

 

Anyway things are looking up and school is getting well and I am back on the wagon.

recovery is forever

Beautifully put.

searching and fearless

“I love the person I’ve become because I’ve fought to become her.’  I read that today.  I also listened to a podcast on the “tired of thinking about drinking” blog many of you know because of her 100 day challenge.  Overall, I’m thinking that punishing myself for not doing a particular program like AA to maintain sobriety is so stupid and pointless.  There is no “right” way to stay sober.  It is personal and subjective and not open to criticism.  Like anyone’s choices in life, sobriety is my own.  And like the respect I grant others in their daily lives, so must I give myself the same amount of acceptance, tolerance and patience.  My sobriety began the moment I decided I wanted it.  That simple.  Not a moment sooner.  At my ladies AA meeting the other night, someone said, “If love coulda gotten me sober…well I’d been sober a long…

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stars and cigarettes

I have been off my Celexa meds for a couple days now and withdrawals have been a little irritable. I couldn’t sleep tonight so I took some cigarettes, my phone, and some headphones to my backyard and laid down. You can’t usually see stars in Orange County or maybe they’re there I’m not noticing them as much. Tonight I did. Something about being alone with headphones without any other intention of doing anything then listen makes the music seem like its speaking to you so clearly. Beyonce’s “Who Runs the World (Girls)” could come on and thoughts off agreement and an internal outburst of “Fuck! Girls do run the world!” And you wonder why this realization is so clear. All of a sudden this part in your life would be a perfect scene for your biopic and the thoughts your having would be read for the audience over that soundtrack your listening to. I don’t know what exactly pretense would have occurred where i would be outside listening be Beyonce and all of sudden everything made sense. But I wasn’t listening to Beyonce tonight. It was C2C no lyrics techno whateveryoucallit chill indie. Anyway it just made me think of partying and who much I wanted to take a pill and be happy right now in this instance. Then that realization kind of made me happy. I dont know if I’m a major depressive person but those small moments when you can kind of just accept whats happening or the thoughts that are passing through you or whatever was unfolding in front of you and just kind of feel what your feeling even if its somber or hurts like hell, those times in my life I kind of enjoy. It like emotionally just getting out of the shower. Being both happy and sad. Or happy to know that your sad? Or maybe happy that after reflection of the moment you can move on. I DONT KNOW Its gibberish now. and WTF gibberish is not spelled jibberish? Thats new to me. So its 4am and theres an AA meeting at 6 that I think I’m going to to get it out of the way early. 

HAPPY THURSDAY!

I hate when you have spent so much time without anyone else and on yourself, you look within you find so much of who you are. This is me. I can now go out to the world. Then all of sudden it all comes down. Expectations make unhappiness.

Two more months.

I wish I came from a long line of lawyers or a long line of people who have done something great. When I am the only one pushing myself to never give up everyone around me is telling me to throw in the towel. My entire family is telling me I should not go back to school they are telling me I have too many things wrong with me to be successful. I have their collective voice in my head telling me I will never be able to do this. I need to get out again. Im stuck between what I know I am capable of doing who I know myself to be and how I know my family pictures me. I cant blame them I guess. I live life stupidly at times, recklessly. I am stupid and reckless with my own life. But it is my own life. They need to be able to separate me from them. I’m not saying I want to start drinking the way I did or that I will continue life not as an alcoholic. But every mistake I make is multiplied with and escalted with their frsutration and anger of me not remaining completely sober. I had a couple beers at a tailgate Saturday and when my mother found out she went crazy. I was not drunk, I did make ay problems, I did not buy alcohol or drive. Just her knowing that I had alcohol led to this outrageous battle of yelling and telling me she cant live an alcoholic and her texting my grandmother If I was drinking at the game just stupid nonsense. If I had not gone home that night this would have been avoided. This happened a couple weeks ago when I left here to stay at my Gmas because I was feeling so anxious that they were constantly watching me. At my Gma’s she said she coming over. I asked her not please I am fine and she came storming about she knew I was drinking and its just drove me nuts!!!!! I am so upset with her causing all this drama when really is she just let me be everything would be fine. 

 

Come January I should be back in school. I need to figure out my living situation and after that I will be all set. I just need to keep my head down stay out of my family’s way and out of family events. Im trying to stay bottled up with out upset I am with my family. Upset that even though they mean well they are constantly trying to attack me. Even if they are right- which I am biased that they are not, this feeling of be attacked about how they believe I need to live my life. Two more months, two more months, two more months.

Its that time of year

Relapse! Not in a fun way, in a ohshiticantbelievethishapenedagain kind of way. Seriously what the fuck. You cannot let your guard down for one moment without something horrible happening. Like every time you think the world can accept you that is the moment the world says no. These relapses I mean I cant even fathom how many times this has happened. It always starts with the feeling. A feeling of anxiety and feeling that is the worst feeling in the world and the problem is that alcohol gets rid of rather quickly. FUCK. Then things snowball and all of sudden you have memories of your mother with a medium size bottle she found in your room. The part that gets me is that I know I was drunk and I shouldn’t have been 1) because of my part health issues and 2) because its ruining the people around me. But in essence I didnt do anything wrong. y mom took two medications I have away from me, Antabuse and celexa. She doesnt understand why I take these. I am pretty sure she thinks celexa is like ativan which its not. I actually take celexa because I didnt want anything that would interact with alcohol in case I did relapse. In general its been very helpful. Anatbuse I think she believes makes me not want to drink, like gets rid of the desire. It doesnt. Its a stupid pill I have learned to work around if I have to and so I have, when I had to. Which I havent really! 

This one time its been a day that I drank. I drank for a day which in the scheme of things isn’t as bad as it could have been. I did not drink and drive. But my parents took my car away which is frustrating beyond measure. My mom texted me today to ask if I have been out of my room and that I need to get out and go to an AA meeting but she took my car away. I texted her give me my car back and Ill go to a meeting at 6. She didnt answer to that question. I told I would like my pills back and that she cant take them away from me like its a privilege to be on medication, a privilege. I see a psychtrist for my problems, I asked for the antabuse and am putting it in my body for something I want to change. My wallet and passport are always missing and its frustrating. Half of it becasue I dont know if there just misplaced from that day or if my mom took them from my room so I had no means of buying alcohol. Sadly i dont need my wallet or passport to alcohol becasue the liquer store people know me pretty well. Sad, but true. All of things are just nuinces of my family trying to get me to do what they want and while I know their actions mean well they not helping and keeping me caged in trapped. Trapped is the feeling I have. My brother hasnt left the house so that he can “watch me” my parents went to some dinner and they asked if they wanted me to drop them off at my Grandmother’s house. 

Relapses suck and God knows what this one is going to end up costing me. They suck but its a very serious thing that happens to people are trying to live a sober life. I thin especially to the people close to you. In the end I am getting sober for meand not for my family. I mean I don’t want to fail them but its much worse living with then failing yourself. My dad told me that it feeling like I stabbed him in the back. My mom tells me ill never make it in school. My brother wont talk to me and the best I can do is get back on track. The fact that I was unable to continue my sobriety without relapse is what my family has now come to hate me for. So life just seems like one failure over another over and over again and this one thing is the all and everything to which I am judged. 

I am so much more than these tragic and brief relapses. But the relapses are such of huge part of my life… and it fucking sucks.