Relapse! Not in a fun way, in a ohshiticantbelievethishapenedagain kind of way. Seriously what the fuck. You cannot let your guard down for one moment without something horrible happening. Like every time you think the world can accept you that is the moment the world says no. These relapses I mean I cant even fathom how many times this has happened. It always starts with the feeling. A feeling of anxiety and feeling that is the worst feeling in the world and the problem is that alcohol gets rid of rather quickly. FUCK. Then things snowball and all of sudden you have memories of your mother with a medium size bottle she found in your room. The part that gets me is that I know I was drunk and I shouldn’t have been 1) because of my part health issues and 2) because its ruining the people around me. But in essence I didnt do anything wrong. y mom took two medications I have away from me, Antabuse and celexa. She doesnt understand why I take these. I am pretty sure she thinks celexa is like ativan which its not. I actually take celexa because I didnt want anything that would interact with alcohol in case I did relapse. In general its been very helpful. Anatbuse I think she believes makes me not want to drink, like gets rid of the desire. It doesnt. Its a stupid pill I have learned to work around if I have to and so I have, when I had to. Which I havent really!
This one time its been a day that I drank. I drank for a day which in the scheme of things isn’t as bad as it could have been. I did not drink and drive. But my parents took my car away which is frustrating beyond measure. My mom texted me today to ask if I have been out of my room and that I need to get out and go to an AA meeting but she took my car away. I texted her give me my car back and Ill go to a meeting at 6. She didnt answer to that question. I told I would like my pills back and that she cant take them away from me like its a privilege to be on medication, a privilege. I see a psychtrist for my problems, I asked for the antabuse and am putting it in my body for something I want to change. My wallet and passport are always missing and its frustrating. Half of it becasue I dont know if there just misplaced from that day or if my mom took them from my room so I had no means of buying alcohol. Sadly i dont need my wallet or passport to alcohol becasue the liquer store people know me pretty well. Sad, but true. All of things are just nuinces of my family trying to get me to do what they want and while I know their actions mean well they not helping and keeping me caged in trapped. Trapped is the feeling I have. My brother hasnt left the house so that he can “watch me” my parents went to some dinner and they asked if they wanted me to drop them off at my Grandmother’s house.
Relapses suck and God knows what this one is going to end up costing me. They suck but its a very serious thing that happens to people are trying to live a sober life. I thin especially to the people close to you. In the end I am getting sober for meand not for my family. I mean I don’t want to fail them but its much worse living with then failing yourself. My dad told me that it feeling like I stabbed him in the back. My mom tells me ill never make it in school. My brother wont talk to me and the best I can do is get back on track. The fact that I was unable to continue my sobriety without relapse is what my family has now come to hate me for. So life just seems like one failure over another over and over again and this one thing is the all and everything to which I am judged.
I am so much more than these tragic and brief relapses. But the relapses are such of huge part of my life… and it fucking sucks.