stars and cigarettes

I have been off my Celexa meds for a couple days now and withdrawals have been a little irritable. I couldn’t sleep tonight so I took some cigarettes, my phone, and some headphones to my backyard and laid down. You can’t usually see stars in Orange County or maybe they’re there I’m not noticing them as much. Tonight I did. Something about being alone with headphones without any other intention of doing anything then listen makes the music seem like its speaking to you so clearly. Beyonce’s “Who Runs the World (Girls)” could come on and thoughts off agreement and an internal outburst of “Fuck! Girls do run the world!” And you wonder why this realization is so clear. All of a sudden this part in your life would be a perfect scene for your biopic and the thoughts your having would be read for the audience over that soundtrack your listening to. I don’t know what exactly pretense would have occurred where i would be outside listening be Beyonce and all of sudden everything made sense. But I wasn’t listening to Beyonce tonight. It was C2C no lyrics techno whateveryoucallit chill indie. Anyway it just made me think of partying and who much I wanted to take a pill and be happy right now in this instance. Then that realization kind of made me happy. I dont know if I’m a major depressive person but those small moments when you can kind of just accept whats happening or the thoughts that are passing through you or whatever was unfolding in front of you and just kind of feel what your feeling even if its somber or hurts like hell, those times in my life I kind of enjoy. It like emotionally just getting out of the shower. Being both happy and sad. Or happy to know that your sad? Or maybe happy that after reflection of the moment you can move on. I DONT KNOW Its gibberish now. and WTF gibberish is not spelled jibberish? Thats new to me. So its 4am and theres an AA meeting at 6 that I think I’m going to to get it out of the way early. 



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